Of the many silly morning discussions I have with my colleagues at Car Bibles and The Drive, some are funnier than others. This time, we were discussing foodstuffs, and I had to make my staunch position on ranch dressing known: Ranch sucks. That caused us to consider a very important question: What is the car equivalent to ranch?

This led our vice president of content, Mike Spinelli, to state that the car equivalent of original nacho-flavored Doritos would be the Lotus Elise. I thought about other cars as chips and dips, and just like that, a great idea was hatched. It was time to create the definitive list of snacks as cars. This is groundbreaking journalism here, folks.

Ranch Dressing: The Mazda Miata

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Target, Lays, Mazda)

People think that ranch makes every snack better, but it rarely does. People also seem to think that Miata is the answer to every car question, but it rarely is. Ranch has mass appeal, but it isn’t for everyone, and you certainly shouldn’t have it with every meal. Still, some can eat it every day, just like some people can daily a Miata. 

Barbecue Sauce: Volkswagen GTI

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Chris Rosales)

Who doesn’t love barbecue sauce? Who doesn’t respect the GTI? This Volkswagen is the automotive equivalent of barbecue sauce in that it is inoffensive and palatable and goes well with many dishes. The GTI mixes well with any lifestyle and can spice up a dreary daily commute, just as barbecue sauce saves us from boring chicken strips.

Ketchup: Honda Civic

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Honda)

Everybody loves ketchup. Well, almost everybody. And just as everyone has ketchup with their french fries, everyone seems to have a damn Honda Civic in their driveway. Ketchup is a perfectly fine condiment, nothing special. It’s a workhorse of the food industry, just as the Civic is everyone’s favorite automotive workhorse.

Nacho-Cheese Doritos: Nissan 350Z

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Doritos … It’s a viable parody, OK?)

There’s something uncouth about nacho-cheese Doritos. They’re tasty but synthetically bold, and they have that insanely sticky nacho-cheese dust that gets everywhere and makes a mess of your clothes. In the same way, there’s something uncivilized about an old Nissan 350Z. With the VQ35 engine and often straight pipes, it makes a chaotic racket that reverberates not only through your house and ears but also the fabric of reality. Cheap, dirty, loud fun, the Nissan 350Z is absolutely the Doritos of the car world.

Tortilla Chip: BMW 335i

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Chris Rosales)

The classic tortilla chip. Serial killers love to eat them bare, but most human beings dip tortilla chips in a variety of things. The key to the tortilla chip is the quality of the dip. The BMW 335i is your quality chip, and the aftermarket has any number of delicious dips available to you. Bland and kind of boring as it rolls out of the factory, the 335i truly comes alive with choice mods, just like that perfect chip with the right homemade salsa.

Potato Chip: Lotus Elise

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Adobe Stock, Lotus)

Simple, light, and fragile but as tasty as any other snack. The potato chip can be eaten alone or with dip, making it arguably the perfect snack. The Lotus Elise is designed to be the perfect sports car straight out of the box. It’s also simple, light, and fragile. The connection is as clear as day to me.

Sparkling Water: Porsche 911

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Porsche, Adobe Stock, Topo Chico)

Sparkling water such as La Croix or Topo Chico is the most obnoxious thing you can be seen drinking. “Oh, look,” plebian onlookers say, “they’re too good for normal water.” That’s how people see you in your Porsche 911. The reality is that us sparkling-water drinkers are enjoying life on a raised plane of existence, as is anyone lucky enough to own a 911. It’s a connoisseur’s car. 

Flaming-Hot Cheetos: Fiat 500 Abarth

Image: Andrew P. Collins (Fiat, Cheetos, Adobe Stock)

I couldn’t decide at first if the Fiat 500 Abarth was the automotive equivalent of gummy worms or Hot Cheetos. It’s adorable and sweet, like gummy worms. But I watched an exhaust clip of a black one with red stripes and was reminded of the pint-size Italian machine’s angry edge. This car is definitely Hot Cheetos, with its cute little anger and light kick. It might even be Takis with a burble tune.

Hopefully, you found this funny enough to be worth the price of a click. But what I’m really looking forward to is your continuation of this list in the comment section. Hit us up!